Hellsing: The IM Incident
by F-35 Phoenix
Summary: It started out so innocently. THIS is why Walter runs all over the Mansion with messages: IM nearly destroyed them all...


**Kuro: I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I got this idea, but I pitched it to Flyboy and we e-mailed each other over during the past week and this is what it became. We don't own Hellsing.**

* * *

From: Policekitten  
To: Dragonsson  
Subject: Well?  
So, Master, have you figured out our new messaging system?

From: Dragonsson  
To: Policekitten  
Subject: Re: Well?  
Yes, though I cannot fathom a reason for using this inane system.

From: Policekitten:  
To: Dragonsson  
Subject: Re: Well?  
Sir Integra wanted a better way to keep tabs on all of us rather than sending Walter running all over the Mansion.

From: AngelofDeath  
To: Policekitten  
Subject: Re: Well?  
And I personally love it, my dear. It makes my duties here so much easier.

From: Dragonsson  
To: Angel of Death  
Subject: Re: Well?  
Wait, now more than two people can 'message' at a time? This seems ridiculously over-complicated.

From:Angel of Death  
To: Dragonsson  
Subject: Re: Well?  
My dear Alucard, you really must learn today's technology. It will help you greatly to get by. Even an old bat like me makes sure to keep up with the latest inventions.

From: Policekitten  
to: AngelofDeath  
Subject: Re: Well?  
I know! Remember that time he blew up the microwave? Or the time he smashed the security cameras?

From: AngelofDeath  
To: Policekitten  
Subject: Well?  
Ugh! Please don't remind me! It took weeks to clean the kitchens after that episode. It's a miracle anyone in there survived that day.

From: Dragonsson  
To: AngelofDeath  
Subject: Not my Fault!  
I TOLD you! The thing was possessed! All I did was poke it and it lit up and started growling at me!

From: CptGoose  
To: Dragonsson  
Subject: Re: Not my Fault!  
That means the thing is on! Thanks to you, three of my men were confined to the infirmary!

From: IronMaiden  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: Re: Not my Fault!  
No, that was because they were drunk and did not have the good sense to LEAVE when a sociopathic vampire came in the room, like everyone else did.

From: CptGoose  
To: IronMaiden  
Subject: MY Men!  
They were sober! Your bloodsucker was the problem, the raging idiot!

From: IronMaiden  
to: CptGoose  
Subject: Re: MY Men!  
Idiot, you say? Then why was the stock of Brandy gone after the incident? It was nowhere near the blast area.

From: CptGoose  
To: IronMaiden  
Subject: Re: MY Men!  
I thought you were using it to entertain the round table.

From: IronMaiden  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: Brandy  
No, we drink a glass of Scotch before and that's all.

From: CptGoose  
To: IronMaiden  
Subject: Re: Brandy  
That's not what I've heard...

From: AngelofDeath  
To: IronMaiden  
Subject: Re:Brandy  
I may have an explanation for the missing brandy, Sir.

From: IronMaiden  
To: AngelofDeath  
Subject: Re: Brandy  
I'm all ears, Walter

From: AngelofDeath  
To: IronMaiden  
Subject: Kind of a funny story really.  
Well, Sir Integra, it was a late night, and we were all very tired from the latest invasion...

From: CptGoose  
To: AngelofDeath  
Subject: Re: Kind of a funny story really.  
...WHY wasn't I told about this?!

From: AngelofDEath  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: Re: Kind of a funny story really.  
Well, none of us drank it. Alucard and Seres decided to go out and see what would happen if a FREAK or a ghoul got drunk. They ended up getting drunk themselves. Did you know it takes four bottles of Brandy to get a two-year-old fledgling drunk?

From: CptGoose  
To: AngelofDeath  
Subject: Re: Kind of a funny story really.  
Any pictures? ;)

From: Policekitten  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: You wish  
NO! Remember how I said that Master destroyed the security cameras? He made sure there was no record of the event. And Walter! How could you?! You Promised!

From: AngelofDeath  
To: Policekitten  
Subject: Apologies  
I'm so sorry, Ms. Victoria, it slipped my mind. Don't worry, it won't happen again. And you, captain, should behave.

From: CptGoose  
To:AngelofDeath  
Subject: Re: Apologies  
Why are you talking to _me_? The guy in red is the one causing property damage!

From: AngelofDeath  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: Re: Apologies  
True, but you don' have a snowball's chance of killing me. He does.

From: Dragonsson  
To:AngelofDeath  
Subject: Apologies  
Well said, Angel. And Captain, _Seras _could kill you, given the proper motivation. All we would have to do is tell her a few of you stories.

From: CptGoose  
To: Dragonsson  
Subject: Re: Stories  
How could you know about MY stories? You only met me a few months ago!

From: Dragonsson  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: Stories  
My master had me read every one of your men's minds before she hired you. Besides that, the ones over the past few months are more then enough. Do you recall the one concerning the police girl's undergarments? Should I inform her of _that?_

From: CptGoose  
To: Dragonsson  
Subject: Re: Stories  
You know we have women here, bloodsucker. How do you know it's really hers?

From: Dragonsson  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: Re: Stories  
Well, unless there is another, and I quote, "hot vamp babe with a bust for days" wandering around the mansion, I would only have to assume you meant her.

From: CptGoose  
To: Dragonsson  
Subject: Re: Stories  
.............

From: Policekitten  
To: CptGoose  
Subject: Orly?  
I think you and I need to have a little chat, Mr. Bernadette.

POLICEKITTEN HAS LOGGED OFF.

From: CptGoose  
To: ALL GEESE  
Subject:!!!!!!  
READY ARMS!

CPTGOOSE HAS LOGGED OFF

From: Dragonsson  
To: IronMaiden  
Subject: lol  
My apologies, Master, but I simply MUST see this.

DRAGONSSON HAS LOGGED OFF

From: IronMaiden  
To: AngelofDeath  
Subject: *sigh*  
Walter, I think we should see that nobody is killed.

IRONMAIDEN HAS LOGGED OFF

From: AngelofDeath  
To: All personnel  
Subject: ?  
Allright, who taught Alucard Txt Speak?

ANGELOFDEATH HAS LOGGED OFF


End file.
